Healing Internalized Shame
A Queer-Liberation Guide
Internalized shame is one of the quietest forms of harm — and one of the most deeply rooted. It grows in the spaces where we are unseen, unprotected, or unloved for who we truly are. For queer, trans, and neurodivergent people, internalized shame often takes root in childhood, reinforced by systemic violence, cultural expectations, or outright rejection.
But shame is not an identity. It is something we learned. And what is learned can be unlearned. In this post, we’ll explore how trauma-informed therapy—specifically Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Relational-Cultural Therapy (RCT), and somatic practices—can guide us toward healing. You’ll also find two home practices you can begin today.
What Is Internalized Shame?
Internalized shame occurs when the external messages of worthlessness, danger, or rejection become internal beliefs. Instead of recognizing those messages as reflections of an oppressive system, we turn them inward.
For queer, trans, and neurodivergent folks, this often looks like:
🌿 Feeling unworthy of love, softness, or safety
🌿 Constantly monitoring behavior or tone to avoid rejection
🌿 Struggling to set boundaries or say no
🌿 Believing your needs are “too much” or “a burden”
🌿 Disconnection from your body, desires, or joy
Internalized shame can distort our self-perception, relationships, and capacity to dream freely. It doesn’t mean you’re broken—it means you’ve survived in a world that often fails to reflect your truth.
Impact of Internalized Shame on the Queer and Trans Psyche
The effects of internalized shame aren’t just emotional. They’re physiological. Chronic shame shapes the nervous system, keeping us stuck in survival mode. You may feel anxious in affirming relationships, numb during intimacy, or frozen when trying to express a boundary.
In queer and trans communities, this shame is often reinforced by:
🌿 Family rejection or conditional love
🌿 Religious or cultural erasure
🌿 Medical gatekeeping
🌿 Media portrayals that dehumanize or exoticize our bodies
Healing internalized shame means unlearning not just harmful ideas, but also the embodied responses that have kept us safe.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy offers more than insight—it offers re-experiencing, regulation, and reclamation. Here are three modalities particularly effective in healing internalized shame through a queer-liberation lens.
Emotionally Focused Therapy: Rebuilding Secure Attachment
EFT is a trauma-informed model that helps clients identify unmet emotional needs and repair patterns of disconnection.
For people navigating internalized shame, EFT helps:
🌿 Recognize the original injuries behind core beliefs like “I don’t matter”
🌿 Heal attachment wounds from caregivers, partners, or institutions
🌿 Create secure emotional bonds with self and others
EFT is especially powerful in chosen-family and queer relationship work, helping people feel safe enough to show up authentically.
Relational-Cultural Therapy: Healing Through Connection
RCT is rooted in the understanding that disconnection is the cause of much human suffering and reconnection is the cure. This is deeply aligned with how queer, trans, and neurodivergent communities have always survived: together.
In the context of internalized shame, RCT:
🌿 Highlights how shame is shaped by systemic oppression, not individual failure
🌿 Builds mutual empathy, authenticity, and relational confidence
🌿 Honors emotional expression and neurodiverse communication styles
RCT invites us into healing relationships where power is shared, not imposed—where we are seen as whole, not broken.
Somatic Therapy: Releasing Shame from the Body
Shame lives in the nervous system. Somatic therapy recognizes that the body remembers what the mind forgets and offers embodied tools for healing.
For those carrying internalized shame, somatic therapy helps:
🌿 Identify where shame lives in the body (e.g., collapsed posture, tight chest)
🌿 Learn to safely reconnect with sensation and emotion
🌿 Use tools like grounding, movement, and breath to regulate distress
Somatic practices support not just “thinking differently,” but feeling differently, which is often where true healing begins.
3 Home Practices for Soothing Internalized Shame
Therapy is a powerful anchor, but healing continues between sessions. These two self-guided interventions are gentle, affirming, and accessible.
Mirror Work: Reclaiming Your Gaze
What You’ll Need: A mirror, privacy, and 5–10 minutes
How To Practice:
🌿 Sit or stand in front of a mirror.
🌿 Look into your own eyes. Notice what comes up—judgment, longing, grief.
🌿 Gently place a hand over your heart.
🌿 Speak one affirmation aloud. Try:
🌿 “I am allowed to take up space.”
🌿 “I am not a problem to be fixed.”
🌿 “There is nothing wrong with me.”
This simple act challenges the gaze of shame with self-recognition. Over time, it begins to disrupt internalized shame narratives rooted in invisibility.
Somatic Grounding: Anchor in the Present
What You’ll Need: A soft object, textured item, or grounding scent
How To Practice:
🌿 Sit or lie down with your object.
🌿 Bring attention to your breath.
🌿 Feel the item’s texture or inhale the scent.
🌿 Repeat: “I am safe in my body. I am here now.”
Somatic grounding reconnects you to the now, where internalized shame from the past has less power.
You Are Not the Shame You Carry
Internalized shame is not your fault — and it does not have to be your future. You are allowed to grieve what could have been. You are allowed to unlearn. You are allowed to become.
Through affirming therapy and self-guided care, you can return to the truth:
🌿 There is nothing wrong with you.
🌿 Your identity is not a wound. It is a gift.
🌿 You are worthy of liberation.